not sleeping...again...

Well it's another night of no sleep. Seems I can't fall asleep before 5:00 AM. Well, since my last post, I've lost my job. I was fired for "insubordination." I realize in my last entry that I complained about a woman named Monica. She's the reason I was fired. I made a bad joke that I had made before, but that time she decided to take it the wrong way. The other technician and I were filling orders and she was checking. I was talking to the other tech, when Monica asked what we were talking about. In response (in a "ditzy blonde voice") I said, "Um...I was talking to Maria." She got mad at called me a bitch and just started yelling at me. I tried to tell her that I was just joking and it just made her even more mad. When the new director came in, I had to defend myself, but also lost my cool a bit. I called her an 'evil woman' and of course that made it worse. She stormed off and an hour or so later, I get called into the office. I was told I was insubordinate and am not allowed to speak that way. Turns out, Monica had a completely different version of what actually happened. Her story was that she gave me an order and I refused. Then I proceeded to "yell at her and call her names." I never used fowl language, but she did. Yet I'm the one who gets fired. Just as I had said in my last post, she had conspiracy theories and thought everybody was out to get her. If the other technician and I talked to where she couldn't hear, she thought we were talking about her. She told the director that she'd been having problems with me since she hired me and it was the reason I left my last job. I've been informed that she has fought with all of the technicians. Even the director who was there before her, took her into the office because she fought with another technician. Monica had been trying for months to get rid of me. Some narcotics went "missing" from the floors and pharmacy and she had the nerve to tell the director that I told her that I pop pills. She even told the director when they went missing: "See? I told you she took them!"  So basically it was good to get out when I did. Sadly, that was already two months ago. I've been unemployed since then. I reapplied to all the hospitals, but nobody has called. My dad is worried that Monica somehow managed to prevent me from getting a job in other hospitals...not that I put IntraCare down as a reference. He said that if she did, he wants me to file a lawsuit - not that I'd know how to find out if she did. So it looks like I'm going back to my old CVS. The manager I fought with disappeared about two weeks after I quit. Looks like he just didn't show up for work and they say he even left his wife. The pharmacist in charge asked me to come back when I told her about losing my job. So...just waiting on the background check and then I'll finally have another job. Problem is...bills are piling up. I don't really know if I'll be able to pay rent. I received my last paycheck with the vacation I had acquired and was able to pay for March's rent. My dad paid for April's rent. He just can't pay for May's rent and I don't know if I'll have a paycheck in time. My landlord has been very reasonable so maybe he'll let me pay late.

Ah, stress. It's an awful thing. Last night I had a terrible nightmare that my dad died. He's all I've got left so it'd be pretty hard to move on without him. As my dad had said, it's just my worst fear coming out in my subconscious. It's been hard enough losing my mom. I had a dream a couple of months ago that I had to go through my mother's funeral all over again. Must have been because I was talking to someone about how I had the image of her that day burned into my brain.

Also - these days I'm trying to figure myself out. Most people believe that homosexuality is a choice. But the reality is, it's predisposed - genetically. I don't know if I believe in God anymore. I know I don't believe in religion anymore. I obviously can't be Catholic when I'm just being told I'm going to hell. It's a little contradictive, yes? Yes. Lately I've just been mad that God made me gay. I don't want to be. It's too hard to live this lifestyle. I've been single for three years now and I'm just learning to get over my ex. It's quite a lonely life. I've been lonely for a long time now and just wonder: why me? I just don't know how to be anymore. I guess I've got a lot more soul searching to do.......

Currently Reading Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1) By Stephenie Meyer see related

confusion

I fell in love with the most amazing person;
She's all I could ever ask for in a companion.
She's so beautiful, funny, and smart
When I'm around her all I can feel is my beating heart.
Even though we are from different worlds,
I can't help but be at lost for words.
Day after day I pray to the heavens above,
That she can feel all my love.
No one has ever made me feel this way;
I just hope I don’t push her away.
Whenever I’m with her I just sit back and take things in,
But my heart aches until I see her again.
Although my love for her is so damn true,
Lately I feel oh so blue.
As hard as I have fallen for this chick,
She has found another pick.
I love her so unbelievable much,
But it hurts that she wants his touch.
She says she loves me still,
But I still feel ill.
I hate that you love him,
All I want to do is kill him.
I always feel like shit
Because I can’t stop thinking about it.
I had a dream they slept together,
To think I thought we’d be forever.
I know I can be lame,
But I know I will never be the same.
Nobody has ever made me feel the way I do,
But it hurts to know she’s found a new boo.
I promised I would never attempt suicide,
But my feelings I just can’t hide.
Although she may never know how I truly feel,
I know in my heart this is the real deal.
No matter what I do,
I still feel like a fool.
She’s not like the rest,
So of course all I want for her is the best.
I just want this summer to end,
So that you can be mine once again.
But no matter how much it kills me,
This is how it must be.